The Inside Kind
by Leather Sky
Summary: Companion piece to -p3- story /Essay/. Ch5: When I go back tonight, chances are it’s going to happen again. And after that, he’ll leave again and I’ll be safe for a little while, but I’ll be alone. -complete, warning on Ch.5 for coercion.-
1. Someone You Admire

Paragraph One: I used to think that bullying was kind of an outside-thing…I never thought of it as coming from someone you admired.

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Junpei watched the sun go through its slow course. The brilliant sky provided a sharp counterpoint to the muted colors of the dusty lot he was standing in. In another moment he would go retrieve his ball so he could keep practicing. In another moment.

Right now he knocked his bat against the back of one of his shoes and frowned thoughtfully. Something in him hadn't felt right for awhile now. For the most part he had gone through his days in a thoughtless sort of contentment, a feeling that had been invisible to him until it suddenly went away. But now as he watched the cars drive by on the other side of the chain-link fence he was aware that he ached. He tried to remember when the feeling had started.

A white flash, and then red, streaked across his memory. His chin lifted. So…maybe it had been the fight. As he stirred himself and walked over to the ball he replayed it in his mind. Recently, his friend Kouza had managed to drag him to a boxing match. Junpei had never felt very interested in that kind of thing except maybe if it was two girls mud-wrestling or something. But the match hadn't been anything like he expected it to be, and he had ended up being riveted.

That in itself was fine. What wasn't fine was the feeling he had gotten afterwards. He guessed it was from watching the boy who had won. In the hot, crowded gym he was the one guy who had looked cool, even with all the sweat running off him as he boxed. He hadn't smiled when he had won. While Junpei was watching him, he wasn't conscious of the sounds in the gym or even of Kouza next to him. After the match ended and the winner left the ring, it was like someone suddenly switched the volume on again. Junpei had stood there for a moment, stunned and adjusting, as Kouza spoke to him.

"Did you see that?! That was amazing!"

His friend's voice was high-pitched with admiration. Junpei unconsciously reacted to it by trying to sound nonchalant. "It was okay."

Kouza was indignant. "'_Okay?_' You sure as hell couldn't do it!"

And of course, Junpei didn't have a good answer to that. He **couldn't **do it. And that, he thought as he dusted off his baseball, was the problem. He had seen that boy and wanted to be like him. And it wasn't the same as wanting to be like some guy on TV. It was a thousand times worse because it was a lot closer but not any more attainable for all that. This feeling had come on sharply and overwhelmingly as he had watched that match, and even now it was still eating into him like slow poison.

He swung and missed. The ball rolled to a stop a little way in front of his feet, confronting him. It felt like a prophecy. _Some people got it and some people don't, _the ball was saying. _And I think we both know which one you are, don't we, buddy?_

Junpei kicked it. Then he sighed and went to collect it again. He thought about practicing more, but it was getting late. He stuffed the ball into his coat pocket and turned his steps toward home.


	2. A Reassuring Voice

Paragraph Two: I didn't have the least idea that bullying could be done with a gentle hand and a reassuring voice.

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Someone was crying. It was an unmistakable sound in a world where sounds didn't exist. He made for it without hesitation, running alone in the weird glow of the unlit streets. The sound was getting closer now. He pulled up sharply at a darkened shop. It was tough to get inside without breaking anything, but it would have been tougher for someone else. Akihiko burst in and looked around.

The sound was coming from near the center aisle. There, hemmed in by coffins, he found a boy with his back pressed against the shelves. It was hard to see anything clearly in the half-light, but Akihiko could still read the panic written in the other boy's face. He reached for him, hoping that he wouldn't end up scaring him worse.

Junpei's body jumped at the touch and he ended up knocking everything off of one of the shelves. The noise was deafening in the unholy silence of Dark Hour. When his eyes had adjusted and he saw who was standing in front of him, he didn't believe it. On the other hand, he also had no reason to believe that he was really surrounded by coffins that had somehow replaced all the people in the store. He grasped Akihiko's hand and hauled himself up, shaking.

Akihiko normally wouldn't have allowed anyone to stand this close to him and it felt strange. He tried not to look down at Junpei while he was waiting for him to calm down, but he couldn't help noticing other things like his heat or the smell of the soap he used. He assessed the situation and decided that the best thing he could do for both of them right now was to be firm. "We're going. Come on." He kept hold of Junpei and dragged him out of the store. When they got onto the street he let go.

Junpei regained his balance and stared dully at the pavement for a moment. Then he lifted his eyes to survey the unlit streetlamps, the blackened shops, the motionless cars, and the coffins dotting the crosswalk. He turned to Akihiko. "This is a dream. It has to be."

Akihiko frowned. If this boy was up and around during Dark Hour, it could mean only one thing. "There's someone I think you should meet."

Junpei blinked. "No way…like in the alien movies? Is this where you 'Take me to your Leader?'"

"Well, actually…" Akihiko stopped and then shook his head in irritation. Why was he even taking a stupid question like that seriously? "…Okay, let me start over. My name is--"

"I know who you are." The matter of fact way Junpei said it was completely at odds with the setting and it took Akihiko off-guard. Junpei caught Akihiko quickly glancing at his jacket to see which school he went to. He wasn't sure, but he thought Akihiko's manner changed slightly when he realized they went to the same one.

"Right." Akihiko looked evenly at him. "I've seen you around, but I never caught your name." It was the polite lie for the circumstances and Junpei didn't hold it against him. He knew there was no chance in Hell that the boxer who had transfixed him would know who he was. He was lucky enough just to be talking to him now.

"Iori Junpei." Junpei paused and then smiled a little. "So…you gonna take me to your leader or what?"


	3. A Secret Side

Paragraph Three: But there's another side to it, a secret side I guess, and that's the most terrifying thing. No one else sees it, no one else ever will, and that makes me doubt I even see it.

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Junpei was awake that Sunday morning but it wasn't because he had gotten up early. Truth be told, he had never actually gone to bed. He had kept telling himself he would save and go to bed in a few minutes, but when 7 a.m. rolled around he was still sprawled out on the couch playing his handheld game. He looked up as he heard a sound in the lounge.

"Well. That's a surprise." Akihiko glanced over at him on his way to the door.

Junpei paused his game and looked up at him. "Oh wow. It must be really late."

Akihiko raised his eyebrows. "'Late,' huh?"

"Er…so, you're training?" Junpei deftly changed the subject.

Akihiko nodded. "I have a match tomorrow."

"Another match?" Junpei hoped that the catch in his voice had gone unnoticed.

"That's right." Akihiko unconsciously stood up a little straighter. "If you're that interested you could come help me carry."

"I never said I was _interested_…but, I guess if you need help carrying stuff…"

-*-

Junpei had wondered before the match what Akihiko needed help carrying, since all he had with him was a duffel bag. He forgot all about it as he watched Akihiko fight, though. This bout was more tense than the last one because Akihiko was a little more evenly matched with this opponent, but in the end the result was the same. After it was over, Junpei fought his way over to where Akihiko had instructed him to wait and settled back for some crowd-watching. He was busy checking out a nice-looking group of girls when he felt a tap on his shoulder and something was shoved at him.

As Junpei scrambled not to drop the trophy, he had a sudden realization. Shaking his head in disbelief, he muttered, "I can't believe _this_ is what you wanted me to carry. How cocky can you get?"

Akihiko shouldered his duffel bag. "…what? Those things are heavy and we have a long way to go back to town."

Junpei studied his face and realized Akihiko probably wasn't being cocky, he was just being realistic. It was a fight, therefore Akihiko was going to win it. Like thunder following lightning, it was the most natural thing. For some reason it all made him feel a little depressed. So Junpei lifted his chin and did what he usually did what he got depressed. He smiled.

"All right then, where are we going to go to celebrate?"

"Huh?" Akihiko looked a little confused.

Junpei was incredulous. "Come _on_, Senpai. You just creamed that guy. Doesn't it make you want to…I dunno…go get takoyaki or…do Karaoke or something? Don't you treat yourself at all after you win?"

"Why would I do that? I won, that's enough."

"You're one boring guy." Junpei shook his head sadly.

Akihiko chuckled. "First I'm cocky, now I'm boring."

Junpei frowned. "I didn't really mean it like that." It had occurred to him that he'd felt really happy when Akihiko had asked him to come along, and if he kept shooting his mouth off he probably wouldn't be invited again. "Anyway, I'd be cocky if I could fight like you."

"I don't know, I'd say you're pretty useful. When you don't run off and do stupid stuff."

Junpei was both warmed by the compliment and stung by the reminder of how he'd acted during the last full moon. "Um, thanks." He looked up after a minute and was alarmed to see that Akihiko was watching him. Unable to handle it, Junpei looked away. They were walking next to a fence now and he ran the back of his hand over the bars, making a repetitive sound in the still air. "Oh…I've been meaning to ask, why'd you pick me?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know. To come help you out."

"You were there." Akihiko said it off-handedly.

Junpei hiked the trophy up a little higher against his shoulder, feeling stupid. He really shouldn't have asked a question like that. Now Akihiko would think he was weird. Not only that, he'd just let himself in for more grief by finding out that he was no more memorable to Akihiko than when they'd first met. He was "pretty useful," that was it. That kind of thing shouldn't hurt, but it did.

Akihiko didn't look like he was going to say anything else, so Junpei spoke up. "Look, maybe you don't care about celebrating, but I'm hungry. I'll treat you, so can't we stop someplace?"

Akihiko turned suddenly and Junpei almost ran into him. "You're like a broken record. Besides…there are other ways to celebrate besides stuffing your face."

Junpei perked up. "Now you're talking! What do you want to do?"

Akihiko glanced around. He almost looked the same as when he was scouting for Shadows and it made Junpei a little apprehensive. He found himself looking around too, but the street they were on was deserted at the moment so he felt confused by all this sudden caution. He started to turn back and ask Akihiko what was wrong, when the wind was knocked out of him by the sudden impact of his back to the fence.

While it was happening, the only clear thought Junpei had was that he shouldn't drop the trophy. He didn't even try to respond; he wouldn't have known how. Instead he clutched at the bars behind him and kept his eyes shut.

Akihiko finally stepped back. "Is it that bad?" He didn't look very concerned though, as if the whole thing had been a joke.

Whether it was a joke or not, Junpei's heart was pounding. He was breathing the same way he did when he was under attack, and it took him another moment before he could respond. But he didn't want Akihiko to think he was scared, or immature, so he gulped and said, "You just took me by surprise, that's all."

"Well come _on_ then, I want to get back before it gets dark." Akihiko turned away and started walking again. Junpei couldn't think of anything to do but follow him, since he was still holding the trophy. Akihiko didn't do anything else the whole way back.

By the time they reached the dorm Junpei had convinced himself that he hadn't felt threatened, just startled. After all, it was just a stupid kiss anyway. Akihiko apparently had a very weird sense of humor, that was all.

And when Akihiko stretched his arm across the doorway to block Junpei's way and asked, "You won't tell anyone, right?" he said he wouldn't.


	4. The Frog in the Pan

Paragraph Four: I don't know when it started. I think it must have begun slowly with small things. Otherwise maybe it wouldn't have worked.

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It had been at school. Him and Minato were walking together, joking about something or other, and had seen Akihiko. Even though there were several girls clustered around him, Akihiko had looked past them as if they weren't even there. Junpei had been excited when Akihiko asked him and Minato to come with him, and then disappointed when he found out the girls weren't coming. When he asked Akihiko why, all he had gotten was a puzzled look and the answer that they were just a bunch of annoying girls and they didn't matter.

Junpei wondered why he was remembering that now, of all times. He should be thinking about the here and now and trying to respond. But somehow, as he looked down at Akihiko, his mind just wanted to keep retreating somewhere else. A bunch of girls…no names, just "girls," who didn't matter. Was he letting Akihiko do this because he wanted to matter?

Akihiko finally stopped and looked up at him. "This isn't working."

"I'm sorry." Junpei felt ashamed and a little panicked. He had been spacing out when he should have been concentrating, and now Akihiko was either mad at him or, worse than that, hurt. He bit the inside of his cheek and waited to see which one it was.

Akihiko watched Junpei's face as he was having these thoughts. His own face betrayed nothing. One thing he liked about Junpei was how easy he was to read. He found so many other people difficult to relate to. Mitsuru always kept herself so rigid, no matter what she might have been feeling inside. And Minato was even worse. He put up a front, too, but it was almost like there was nothing behind it. But Junpei was like an open book in large print. And Akihiko liked to keep things simple.

He smiled now and studied the effect it had. Junpei obviously felt hopeful when he saw that Akihiko wasn't mad at him. He must have felt bad about not reacting the way he was supposed to. In the same way he read an opponent's stance, Akihiko summed up Junpei's state of mind and how he could use it.

Akihiko sat up. "That's okay," he said kindly. "Why don't we switch for awhile?" He suggested it casually, undemandingly, making it perfectly clear that Junpei was free to say "No." He knew full well that Junpei wouldn't be able to say it, though. Not after Akihiko had done _that_.

As he had expected, Junpei didn't refuse. Akihiko watched impassively as Junpei bit his bottom lip and wordlessly bent to him. He let him get settled a little more and then put his hand on the back of Junpei's head, sliding the hat off. "That's good."

Junpei looked up at him uncertainly. "…really?" He didn't want to do this, period, but he was also afraid that he hadn't been doing it _right_.

Akihiko smiled again. "Don't stop, you idiot."

Junpei nodded and went back to it. It was kind of repetitive to do and his mind began to wander again. He wanted to ask Akihiko if he had ever done this before, but that would mean stopping again and he wasn't supposed to do that. He heard Akihiko make a slight sound and he risked glancing up at him. Akihiko's eyes were shut now and he was starting to breathe faster. Junpei felt the fingers against the back of his head tighten.

Right now, Junpei thought, he needs me.

_Right now, I matter._


	5. Safety

Paragraph Five: When I go back tonight, chances are it's going to happen again.

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"Junpei? I thought you said this stuff was boring!"

Junpei looked up and saw Kouza. He broke into a grin and went over to him. Now that he thought about it, they hadn't actually seen each other in awhile. When his friend asked him what he was doing at the match, Junpei explained that he'd come with Akihiko.

Kouza's eyes threatened to bug out of his head. "How the hell did you manage that?!"

"It's just a favor," Junpei said casually. "He says all those trophies get heavy after awhile."

"You jerk!" Kouza punched Junpei's shoulder with friendly animosity. "When you're not busy acting all high and mighty, make sure you remember the little people."

Junpei laughed and had just started to ask him if he'd seen the new action movie when they were interrupted.

"All right, let's go." Akihiko had apparently finished getting dressed and was eager to leave before too many people spotted him.

Junpei smiled. "Oh, Akihiko-senpai, this is my friend--"

"Pleased to meet you." Akihiko blew past them and then turned back toward Junpei a little. "Are you coming?"

"Uh. Sure. Look, I'll see you later, Kouza, okay?"

As they were walking back together, Junpei got up the nerve to tell Akihiko he thought he'd been rude earlier. "That guy's your biggest fan, man! You could have at least waited three more seconds so I could introduce you."

"Why? Just so I could forget his name and then feel guilty about it later?"

Junpei frowned. This had been a point of contention with them for awhile. "Don't you care about your admirers at all?"

"No, not really." Akihiko paused. "I know that sounds bad, but it's not like I asked them."

Junpei looked down. "…I guess…"

Akihiko set his bag down for a moment so he could put on his jacket. "What is it? Something's bothering you."

"It's just…the first time I saw you, it was with Kouza, at a match. I pretended I wasn't, but I was just as impressed as he was. What makes me any different? Why do you remember _my_ name?"

"Do you even have to ask that? You're a Persona-user. That makes it different."

"So…if I wasn't…" _I wouldn't be anyone, is that it?_

"There's no use in thinking like that," Akihiko said quietly, "Because you are."

-*-

A day or two later, Minato was greeted by Junpei when he got back to the dorm. He apologized when Junpei asked if they were going to Tartarus that night and explained that he had to study for the upcoming Exams. Junpei seemed more disappointed than usual when he found out they wouldn't be going, but Minato assumed he must just be eager to fight. He smiled and said Junpei should try studying too for a change before he went up to his room.

Back in the lounge, Akihiko was still eating. Junpei resisted the urge to look back at him and went up to the second floor get himself something to drink. He sat down at the table and pulled out his handheld game, but didn't turn it on. He guessed it had been too much to hope for that they would go again tonight. They had already been out twice that week.

"So we're not going then?" Akihiko's voice was quiet but it still made Junpei jump a little. He hadn't heard him come up the stairs or sit down.

"Yeah, he said he needs to study." Junpei fought to keep his voice steady.

Akihiko nodded. "And are you going to study?"

All I have to say is yes, Junpei thought. Under the table his hands gripped the plastic of his handheld game until the knuckles went white. "…no."

Akihiko got up. He started to walk to his room and then, just perceptibly, paused. Junpei gritted his teeth and rose to follow him.

In Akihiko's room, things fell into their old pattern. Junpei was actually getting pretty good at this, in spite of having no inclinations toward it. Every once in awhile he slipped up though, as he did now. It had accidentally hit the back of his throat, and as a result Junpei went into a fit of violent coughing. He pulled back and apologized, and was about to try again when Akihiko stopped him.

"Don't strain yourself." Akihiko said it in such an understanding way that Junpei relaxed a little.

"I'll be okay in a second, honest." Junpei was obviously grateful to be able to catch his breath.

Akihiko shook his head. "It's okay…I don't really feel like it now."

Somehow, either from Akihiko's words or his tone, Junpei got the idea that he'd messed up and killed the mood for him. "But…that's not fair to you," he said anxiously.

It was the response Akihiko had been shooting for, but Junpei didn't need to know that. Akihiko looked thoughtful for a moment and then said, "Okay, then…stay there."

Junpei was puzzled when Akihiko got up and then sat down a moment later on the other end of the bed. He only finally realized what was happening when he felt Akihiko stretch out next to him and then pull him closer.

He wasn't used to saying no, but if he was ever going to say it, now was the time. Junpei gulped and looked back over his shoulder. "Wait."

Akihiko's eyes met his. "Don't worry. After a minute, it gets better." He moved before Junpei could say anything else. As he watched Junpei's sudden and violent reaction, Akihiko whispered, "Shh."

Junpei was trying really hard, but he couldn't handle it at all. He couldn't even keep himself from crying. Akihiko was telling him to hang on, it would get better, but it didn't get better fast enough for him. He finally had to go away. It wasn't even a choice he made so much as an unconscious mechanism that his brain kicked into place.

_He was watching the sun go through its slow course. The brilliant sky provided a sharp counterpoint to the muted colors of the dusty lot he was standing in. In another moment he would go retrieve his ball so he could keep practicing._

In another moment.

"Is it that bad?"

"No…" Junpei knew the right words to say, they were the words he'd been saying all along and there was no thought needed to say them now. "No…it's not that bad."

-*-

Junpei wrote, "And after that, he'll leave again and I'll be safe for a little while, but I'll be alone." He wrote a couple of more sentences and then looked down at the paper. Then he very deliberately tore it out of his test booklet and crumpled it up.


End file.
